I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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