I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
