So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
