I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
