you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
