I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
