i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
