i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
