She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
