Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
