people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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