Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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