I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
