It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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