Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
