with your own penis?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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