I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
