Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
