i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
