you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
