I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
