The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
