i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
