I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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