The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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