Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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