This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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