Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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