Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
