I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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