sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
