ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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