If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
