I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
