youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
