please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
