I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
