If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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