My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
