life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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