This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
