Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
