Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
