upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
