I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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