I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
