I need to stop coming to work sober
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
