Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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