he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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