you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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