I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
